Monday, October 4, 2010

Oh Me, Oh my, Oh Heather...

As I walked with a smile through puddles with my new yellow and blue plaid rainboots, I felt nice and warm under my yellow raincoat. I decided I didn't want my umbrella. In fact, I decided that I wanted to give it to someone walking by. I didn't just decide this I was overwhelmed, compelled, and gonna burst! Jesus, PLEASE send me someone who is wishing they had an umbrella right now. Send me the person who is soaked through.

I walk out of class headed for my 2pm coffee. "well, I should just wait 2 more hours until I can get free coffee to get me through the rest of my night" So I turn around sighing at how I have to walk 20 more feet through the downpour when suddenly she walks by. In leggings, short dress, and scarf. All about as thin as paper and drenched. She looks like she might cry or keel over from the frigid air and soping clothes. I wide-eyed begin to, naturally, walk over to her and give her my umbrella and hug her to bits.

But I swerve and continue to walk. I yell at myself and begin the internal struggle that's gone on almost everyday for the past 3 weeks. I look back to see her jumping over the puddles rushing to get inside the Union.

I could turn around.
but what would they think of me turning around?
I should've gone and handed it to her.
but what would they think of me approaching this girl??

The same thing happened with that boy in the dining hall, with that girl in class, with that boy in the hallway, and with that friend. The same thing every day!
It's never them I fear. It's always the people who might see. The ones who might be around and who might be watching.

Then I have to deal for the rest of the day with the resounding echo of how these people might have just felt a little more love that day if I had done what I know is the right thing to do, what I know I love to do, what I know they need, and what I know is a kiss to them from Him. I should have, I will, I should have, I will, I should have.....I might??

I spend the rest of my day yelling at myself, disgusted at how grotesque I am for being so worried what the people behind me will think. In reality, there is no one even walking behind me or looking at me!!

So dear blogging world-Pray for boldness. I want to die to myself more and more everyday, because it's not about me and it's all about loving and serving. However, the more I desire this, the more self consumed I look to myself. I am self consumed, self obsessed, so ugly in heart and in desperate need of Him.

However, you know what I love?? And what I do not deserve? His mercy. Because I walk away from these incidents where I don't please my Abba Daddy and I don't make Him smile...and I KNOW that in those moments I don't. Yet 10 minutes later He gives me something I have been waiting weeks for. Something that says "I hear you, I told you, I love you, and my goodness Heather, I like you!!" He still enjoys me. Even in my stupid times of acting like a self-obsessed, "what will they think of me" teenager. He still likes me. And as I get ready to walk outside once again, I believe He's gonna put someone in my path. Someone who I can give my umbrella to. Someone I can say something to. Someone I can kill more of "me" for.

We're turning 21 on wednesday. this is coming to an end.
No longer, Heather. No longer.....

I don't get what I deserve, Hallelujah-You've given me mercy, and Your mercy will be remembered for ever!

Psalm 103:1-5, 8, 10-17
"Bless the Lord, O my soul; And ALL that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O My soul, and forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things...

The Lord is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in mercy.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

As a father pities his children, So the Lord pities those who love Him.
For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting...


Lora said...

i love your transparency. thanks so much for sharing your heart. we've all been in that same place! and thank God for His amazing mercy and grace. He sure is incredible, isn't He?!

Stephanie M. Page said...

Oh sweet friend, I can relate. I can so relate! This is my prayer for me, lets uphold each other, yes? Just the other day i was driving, rushing, late somewhere and I saw a woman carrying her groceries walking down the street. I felt like I should stop and give her a ride. but, I didn't. And I should have. and I didn't. Jesus help us have the Holy Spirit guts to be your hands and feet!!

Above all Else: Love said...

I thought that picture was of Isaiah. So Cute. Praying for you!