Wednesday, January 13, 2010

1 more day...

So I've written over 40 letter this week to different people in the church. People I know well, some kinda, and some probably couldn't place my name at the end of the card. But each one was personal, and important to me. I poured my heart out in these letters about how these people have blessed me, how much I love them, what I think of them,etc. and yet, I feel like I have barely begun to scratch the surface.

i love it here.

Thank goodness other people get paid money to record themselves singing emotions, otherwise I'd be sitting here overwhelmed. not underwhelmed-not whelmed...this is an overwhelmed moment. Every thought that I think these past few days I have to play a song that explains it better than I can.

Things here have been so good these past few weeks. Hanging out with people I've wanted to get to know all 3 years and loving them and finding them love me. Being myself, being accepted for myself, and having people see myself and put me in places where I belong. So many people, so many phone calls, so many laughs, so many dates, so much LOVE!

and now I'm leaving.
story of my life.

Jesus is the most jealous male that I have ever met! He just wants all of my affections, attention....and I would be a total fool if I didn't give it all to Him. He accepts me the exact way I am-heck, He created me that way specifically for a purpose! There is always more to learn about who He is, what He likes, what makes Him smile, sing,etc.
(How He Loves Us)

But I trust Him. I trust Him so much. I don't even know how to explain it all but the lyrics to this song pretty much capture my thoughts on leaving::

Less Like Scars-Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
I'm climbing out of the rubble.
These lessons are hard
the healing changes are subtle.

But everyday it's less like tearing, more like building
less like captive more like willing
less like breakdown more like surrender
less like haunting more like remember

I feel you here and you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful.
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
You are able
And in Your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars
and more like character.

Less like a prison, more like my room
less like a casket, more like a womb
less like dying, more like transcending
less like fear, LESS LIKE AN ENDING.

and just a little while ago i couldn't feel the power or the hope
i couldn't cope I couldn't feel a thing
and just a little while back
i was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping you would come

but I need you
I want you here
and i feel you

and i KNOW you're here and you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful....

every line is so "right now". I feel like everything is so good around me and in me, but no would ever be able to see all of the changes in my life. There's no more breaking down of relationships, there are only ones being built up. I'm not in captivity here doing things I don't want to...I kinda wanna be here. (a lot). Places and people aren't "haunting" anymore, they're sweet memories. I used to beg to "escape" this place, but now it looks like home. I know that the Lord is here and moving here and working in my life HERE. I know he's not going to leave all these things in shambles, but keep working in those things while I'm gone. He is FOREVER FAITHFUL! All of this stuff just lines up and has a purpose. It looks "less like scars and more like character".

This is so much less than an ending.
This is not the end.

Dear Bport-
Tomorrow we will walk together, I will take many pictures of your beauty. I will get coffee at Java's one last time, I will walk around my favorite stores one last time. I will meet with the people who have impacted my life in such a vital and important way to say good-bye at 3...and then I will hang out some more. and then spend some more time with the ones that I love, and then i will stay up for a good amount of the night writing about you and staring out my window.

I love you. and this is anything but an ending.
love, Heather.



Above all else: Love said...

oh heather you are so beautiful

Elizabeth said...

So sweet...and I love SGroves. Her music is beautiful :)

Emily Elizabeth said...

so I turn on iTunes and I start reading your blog. Ummm...didn't know you were going to talk about sara groves' song, but it was playing while i read. haha! weird? love that song, though =D