There is so much that I could say about this past year...but i can't seem to find the words for it. Reading my journals from this past year (like I always do) take me back. This year seemed to go by so fast, but as I was reading I found myself transported to other times, places, and situations. I felt like this girl in the beginning of 2009 is a totally different one than the one typing this to you now (in a much BETTER way, thank you Jesus!) So much happened in these 12 months. and seeing where I was and how my situations were, I can, once again, say that "Savior, He CAN (and does) move the mountains-My God is mighty to save!)
What I wanted and what I was told I was going to enter into in 2008 was spot on! I asked that everything I loved be ripped from my hands so that I would know what it would be like to suffer and to have nothing and no one to lean on except the Lord. Well, lets just say that was fully answered in 2008. It left me broken, "suffering", but truly blessed and prepared a way for the next season I was going to enter.
2009 was said to be a limitless year. A hidden year. A year free from pain and a year of blessing. A year of deep healing and love. I can say, yes 2009 was that. I was hidden, full of blessings, a happy year, and a year where i entered into deeper parts of my soul that became renewed and healed. It was a year where the words "Jesus loves me" took on a totally different meaning. Where church wasn't just about the friends, or the dressy clothes that I could wear. It was a year where my free time turned into time that was totally occupied by watching worship sets at IHOP. A year where my dreams no longer were just bubbles in my head, but were references, applications, and pictures post-marked in the mail. A year where my faith was built up even more. It was a year of questioning, searching, yearning, and wondering "what if"...It was a year of confirmation, after confirmation, after confirmation. A year where new things blossomed inside of me, and old things died. A year where all I want and all I desire is to thank the Lord for all He has done in my life, through me, with me, and for me. I just want to love Him rightly.
So here are a few things that 2009 has taught me:
1)Our prayers are powerful and they move the heart of the one who created the earth. One glance of our eyes, one look towards God overwhelms Him. He yearns for our desires to pass just as much as we do because we are just that precious to Him. Our prayers move things in the spirit realm. They don't have to be long, have big words, and they don't have to be 5 seconds either. They just have to be from the heart. Prayers make things move! So whatever you're praying for (or whomever you're praying for) keep on praying-because whether you see it or not something IS happening!
2) That nothing I do, say or feel could EVER make the Lord stop loving me. I may not always feel Him, but I know that He is a faithful lover!
"What shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the Lord of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"-Romans 8:38-39
3) I am so blessed by my friends, teachers, family, church family, etc. I am just so blessed by each person around me, and truly inspired by each and everyone in so many different ways. We are all so unique and created so intimately with such unique giftings and detailed personalities and characters. No one else can love the Lord the same way as the other!
4) The Lord really does know us so well. One of the biggest things that happened to me this year was when I was attending a conference and really needed help. I felt like I had reached the end of my rope. There was no where else to go, to turn to, things just weren't being resolved and I didn't know what to do. I needed, and asked, for the Lord to call me out and get this fixed. I needed Him desperately to grab my hand. So I'm at this conference sitting in the front between two of my closest friends. The speaker is a pastor from Africa who sold his television and also his shoes, i believe, to get to the conference. He truly knows what it means to "die" for your faith-or to have the honest threat of it. While he is speaking my mind is not listening I am just crying out to the Lord about how bitter I am over situations from 2008. I didn't want to be bitter but I didn't know how things would ever be resolved or what the Lord really thought about situations. Did I make all this up? Am I crazy? This is ridiculous... All these thoughts were running through my head with the urgency to get rid of this bitterness and empty these situations once and for all. Well, as I'm rambling on in my head the speaker says "I'm going to stop preaching. The Lord wants to talk to somebody"....everyone is silent in the room.
I think to myself-I am so bitter.
"The Lord is looking for somebody with an issue of bitterness."
....hello?!?!..... I couldn't breathe. I knew that this was me.
(*i have edited out parts that are just precious to my heart and I like to just hold on to myself, however I have typed up a lot of what was said in this blog-not to offend or 're-bitter-ize' (?) anyone. this is just what was said, and simply what happened. I am no more better than you and i want to be honest...)
"God is looking for somebody who has an issue of bitterness. I don't know who you are but God has called you to serve Him. The Lord is showing me a horn of anointing-a horn that carries the anointing-but it has been kept back by this bitterness that has dominated your life. You have all the right to be bitter because you are bitter of things that people have done to you. And this person particularly-the bitterness has something to do with a broken relationship. The anointing is there, you can receive it today but you must be cleared of this bitterness...I want to see you because you gonna be healed. If you know that you are the one-I just want to pray for you. Bitterness of a broken relationship. It might be your father, it might be your parents, It might be a boyfriend or a girlfriend-I don't know. but you have been very, very bitter about this. Come to me. "
--by this point he has been standing in front of me the whole time saying this in front of the whole crowd of 300+ and I am sobbing in my seat. I jump up and go over to this man practically crawling on the floor to him. He holds my hands and just looks and whispers softly to me. (thank goodness for mics because i only know all this word for word because of the recording!)
"This is very serious. God has something for you...it has been held back by this bitterness in you. I understand these people have really don't things in your life-things that you don't like. But see how the devil can make you loose something which is so much more valuable than that relationship? I want you to open your heart, to have faith to forgive these people. Just talk to your father, talk to God. Scream if you want to, cry if you want to. who knows what you will do. Just call on the name of Jesus..."
Soon there after a girl came up to me and went into more detail on things that I needed.
"You were not meant to be small in the kingdom of god. What happened to you was wrong-it wasn't supposed to happen. Those lies weren't supposed to enter, you hurt and that's ok because it wasn't supposed to happen. You weren't meant for that. You weren't meant to be small-your dreams, promises, and thoughts are from the Lord and not your imagination! You're not meant to be in the back. You are a leader! The Lord has huge dreams for you! bigger than you can think or imagine...You have felt so alone-but you were never alone and will never be. You will not be alone by night nor by day-in the light or in the darkness. You will never be alone. He will be right by your side. What was taken from you-receive it back, take it back by faith. You're not alone."
(thank you whoever you are-all i saw was a blurry face through my watery eyes!!!)
How does a tiny, pastor from Africa know my business? How does a girl I have never seen before know the deep hearts in my heart-specific even to situations, and events. So specific, in fact, that she is crying right beside me about the very situations. No one, not even my closest friends knew what was going on in my heart and life THAT specifically. No one knew I felt alone. How did these 2 people.
Because there is a God. He is real. He has a father heart full of ending love for his children.
He had a son, Jesus. Who took all of our sufferings and pains and gives us joy, love, comfort and peace in return. He is all about love. Loving us, and in return we fall madly in love with Him.
There is the Holy Spirit and other realm which moves, shakes things up and is so much fun!
The Africa guy doesn't know my business, neither did the girl from upstate NY. But someone does.
That was and still is enough for me.
I don't know how I look to you or what you may think of me. That crazy dancing girl, the tall blond who is shy, or the tall blond who is really loud...i don't know how you view me. But i know where I've been this past year and how it's all affected me and how I have felt in my heart, body, mind, soul, and spirit. I know how I've changed and been transformed even if I can't explain it to you or if you don't see it. I don't care if you see me as immature, silly, or stupid. And to be honest-I really don't care how you see me.
All I know is that He sees me, He loves me, I make Him smile, and that He is faithful.
All I care about is making Him happy and loving Him rightly and recieveing the love that He has for me.
He is so real, and so close...He's always closer than we know. He's always more involved and in control.
2009-thank you Lord!
xoxoxo happy new year!