The Lost Journal Entry...

I was cleaning up a folder on my computer titled "Sermons/Talks"...(one day...)

I was organizing them into similar categories, and titles when I can across this document. It was from February of last year. This was when I was home for 3 months just resting and preparing my heart for the unknown. I wrote this on my computer in my tiny little room very late one night. The Lord was preparing me physically to get ready for the NightWatch at IHOP-KC, and so I would stay up late typing on my internet-less computer or watching a movie.

When I read this I smiled at the irony of it all. Here I sit a year later.
So here it is, the lost writings of my heart. =]

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The Lord’s making me dream again. Dreams I’ve stifled deep down. Put padlocks on, wrapped them with caution tape. But He dances around them saying “Let them free! Flutter Bird! Fly! Dream!!!” So many dreams...working in an organization, bandanas and dancing in the African dirt, raising up a youth movement across America, raising 20 kids and loving my husband...

But really, none of this matters. All I truly hope for will come to pass by loving and following the Lord. All promotion comes from Him-all advancement and justification.

Oh, how I want the BIG THINGS OF THE LORD! I want to know Him more and more. I want to be used in the craziest of ways. I want my songs to be songs that bring freedom. I want to live in the supernatural! It’s in those moments where I find ALL my satisfaction and all my excitement. He is so FUN!

But so often I look to the right and the left-especially to people around me. What they think, my social status, what (I know) that they are saying about me. I look see how every step I take towards the Lord makes me happier and makes the “cool” people more disgusted with me. I'm still like that middle school girl in the cool group only because of the boys who like her, but she-torn in heart-finds all her fulfillment when she hang out with the “losers”. But while the “cool” people and my relationships with them deteriorate I find lifelong friends whom I can have fun with, and talk deep with.

I’m so sick of trying to walk both lines-"are you cool or are you the loser?". I AM SICK OF PLEASING THEM! Because it doesn’t please me-it KILLS me-deep inside. JESUS PLEASES ME!! LOVING HIM IN RETURN FOR HIS LOVE SATISFIES ME LIKE NOTHING ELSE CAN! FORGET what you think of me and how you view me-you wouldn’t get my heart anyway! “Am I trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or If I were, I would not be a servant of Christ”-Gal 1:10

It’s all about the Lord and our relationship with Him. “As for those who SEEMED to be important they make no difference and add nothing to my message”-Galatians 2:6

Every word of Psalm 84 is my heart right now. I feel it so much I wind up yelling it during my time with the Lord! Oh how I would rather be a DOORKEEPER in the house of my God than dwell in the house the wicked! How I would be a crazy outcast with no friends rather than be "cool" and miserable.

I’m done trying to please other people and live “up” to their expectations and thoughts. I’d rather get lower, crazier, and more passionate. It’s much more satisfying and it’s there I find true friends and see the Lord.
HE IS WORTH IT ALL!!!! BAHHH PHILIPPIANS 3:8-15, 20.

I’m not going to set up my status on earth anymore-I’ll let the Lord bring me wherever He may-but I’ll set my status in the kingdom of God-as a furious, passionate, lover of the Lord!!!
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Oh bird, you were made to fly. So flutter off, feel the wind, and ride it till you sing the song of the deep. till you sing the song on the heights.

xoxo