This New Year came up so fast!! I pulled out my notebooks, like I do at the end of every year, and read through all my thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, EVERYTHING...usually, it's just one notebook or the beginning of the one I'm still writing in...this year-I had to go read 5 notebooks. 5!!!!
Needless to say, there was a lot that happened. A LOT. There was a lot written down, but there was so much hidden between the lines. While reading I encountered situations, talks, feelings, people, advice, and my own thoughts that I had forgotten. I could feel my heart get anxious at parts even though I knew what was ahead...I felt my stomach jump...I felt my spirit rise and fall just like it did a year ago...and I even got googly-eyed at parts...
Reading what I wrote on the night of December 31, 2007-January 1, 2008 my mouth fell open.
""It is paradise to suffer with Him; so that if in this life we would enjoy the peace of paradise we must accustom ourselves to a familiar, humble, affectionate conversation with Him. We must hinder our spirits wandering from Him upon any occasion. We must make our heart a spiritual temple, wherein to adore Him incessantly. We must watch continually over ourselves, that we may not do or say nor think anything that may displease Him. When our minds are thus employed about God, suffering will become full of unction and consolation.
I know that to arrive at this state the beginning is very difficult, for we must act purely in faith. But though it is difficult, we know also that we can do all things with the grace of God, which He never refuses to them who ask earnestly. Knock, persevere in knocking, and I answer for it that He will open to you in this due time, and grant you all at once what He has deferred during many years." "I want this.""
After reading that and my "I want this", I wasn't surprised about all that had happened in 2008. I feel like I have an explanation for it now, haha. I still have no regrets though. None. Whatever happened happened and I wouldn't trade a second of it. There are def. mistakes, chances I through away, broken hearts, hurt friends, and things I could have done differently-but it happened that way...if it didn't I wouldn't have learned all that I have.
I did want to suffer with the Lord. I truly did. I still do, even after going through it. Some people think I went through nothing, some people think I went through so much and give me credit...I don't want credit. and I don't want you to feel bad for me. I want you to know that I'm fine. I'm fine because of my Lord. I wouldn't have been able to get through this year without Him. Without having something....someone to believe in. Someone to be there. Someone to become more real to me than anything else I've ever known.
I knew He was working and guiding every step I took but after reading these 5 notebooks filled with my heart-I know without a doubt He was working, and that He still is. He was so evident...He is still so evident....I can't even explain what my spirit feels right now because I know, that I know, that I know, I know. I know....
I have 7 full pages of things that touched my heart this past year, things spoken to me, over me, about me....I would love to just write it all out and share it...but most of what I have on these pages is still in the works....I am still in pure shock...a lot of these will have to hide in my heart until they're ready...but don't worry-you'll hear it all one day =]
Reading it all over I saw how much things got messed up with I became anxious, worried, and let other people's emotions impact me. If there was anything I could encourage you in from this past year it would be this
1) There is a God. He is real. More real than I can even explain. He is at work in your life-whether you can see or not. And He loves you. More than anyone else...
2) When you seek the Lord whole heartedly, He shows himself.
3) Don't let your heart get anxious. That's when things got "messed up". When I let other peoples thoughts, emotions impact me, and even my own craziness....Live knowing that everything will be taken care of and worked out the way it is supposed to be. Enjoy this ride that we're all on...
4) My God is faithful.
I'm excited for 2009. I don't know what's in store, but I have been told some stuff, and it makes me excited:
"Take the limits off of me. I know the plans I have for you. Hope again. No boundaries. Take the limits off. Release me to accomplish what I promised you. I will enlarge your territory. You will have increase. That promise is not too hard!! You know that not one of my promises has failed. It's a season of blessing. A season of increase. You have to believe it's not impossible. It will happen. Dare to believe what I have put in your spirit to believe."
Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.-1 Chronicles 4:10
I believe. <3