Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Running with Endurance-Part 2

I want to quit. I want to quit everything-except Him. Most days I want to find a field somewhere, go there with my guitar and never leave. Me, Him, and no one else. I can't love people anymore-I need Him to teach me how. I feel my levels of compassion, mercy, and plain kindness being worn. Maybe to the outside world they look the same as always, but from my angle they're wearing thin.

But He tells me to run. He tells me to run hard. To not quit. To stay and learn about Him. Because here is where I learn about kindness-when I have none to give. It's where I learn mercy-when I have none. I see it. Everywhere I look I see His kindness, I see His love, I see His compassion on the individuals...and even if I just sit back, have no feelings towards them at all-I feel His feelings...and I am beginning to think that this is teaching me more than any other season ever before.

So, He tells me to run.

Run to Him. Run because in the race I will get to know Him. He is my prize. This is what I was made to do-get to know Him, love Him, and be loved by Him.

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.
-1 Corinthians 9:24-26

But I feel like I can't. I feel like I am going to fall. Like it's all going to fall apart...again. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I'd rather just stay and be with you and never leave. ever. How can I possibly go this much longer?

When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble.-Proverbs 4:12

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.-Proverbs 18:10

I will wait. I will run and I will wait. I don't know how I will but I will. I will run.

I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart.-Psalm 119:32

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.-Isaiah 40:31

Oh Jesus, give me grace and give me strength to do what you have called me to do. Keep my gaze fixed upon you. Let me not grow tired and anxious but let me continually see the joy and the purpose in this...I need you, I need your strength. There is only one way I can do this:

Let us lay aside every weight,
and the sin which so easily ensnares us,
and let us run with endurance
the race set before us,
looking unto Jesus.
-Hebrews 12:1-2a

If I look unto Jesus, this race is a joy. If I look at my work, my social status, my being-I can't run. But looking unto Him-it is a joy because it's all about Him. It's all for Him. It's all with Him!! Looking at Him-I begin to run without realizing it because all I want is to be next to Him forever and ever. I want to be closer to Him than anyone! When I look at Him all my anxieties fall to the side. When I look to the one who overcame, to the one who stands in victory I find that my worries make no sense. My anxieties have no hold. So once again, I lift up my eyes again to the One who stands on high. I recall to my mind that every choice I am making right now, is preparing me to rule and reign at the side of my Husband.

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me. Depression has lost it's grip on me. My name is engraved on His hands. No power of hell and no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hands. The work of the cross was more than enough! I am already free. It was done on the cross. The chains that bind me today were broken when He died and rose again. They're around me, but all I have to do is look unto Him and in my worship, and in my love for Him-they fall off. They simply fall because they have no hold on me.

I just have to keep running. I just have to follow the Resurrection. I just have to follow the Lamb. Wherever He goes.

and really that's all I long for. Running after the Lamb wherever He may go.

I just forget that when I'm here...This is my confession:

I will run hard this race, reaching for the prize:
I am Yours, and You are mine.
I will run in the path of Your commands, You will surely enlarge my heart.
I will make Your law daily my delight.
Just let me not wander from Your ways, let it be my delight to obey.
There is no greater joy than knowing Your name!

xoxo. draw me away. and I will run after you.


above all else: Love said...

wow, that is a lot to feel at once. I miss your heart

Lora said...

that was so good. i needed to be reminded of all of that. thank you. :) your passion for jesus is so beautiful.

Hannah Rene said...

Keep going. You will :) So will I. I don't know how we will, but we will. !!!!

dana said...

This certainly was one of my favorite post thus far. Thanks for your vulnerability. Amen.