I've been wanting to write for awhile now. I sign in, catch up on the blogs I follow. Sit looking at the screen and then sign off.
So much in me...and yet, so few words.
Summer phase I was...good, rough, so sweet, revealing, painful, wonderful...
easy to understand, right?
Home was wonderful with family, friends, and so much love! Worked with special ed children all summer long in the school system and that was heartbreakingly amazing.
21 different classrooms.
80 different children.
A million different problems.
Summer phase II is...not complete. But so far, i love it.
It's what I needed and was called to.
But is this what I wanted? no.
I didn't think it would be like this at all.
I really didn't think it would be like this...
so full of joy, and deep talks, authentic love, friends...
but also so full of....juggling.
juggling thoughts, words, schedules, 'to-do' lists, people's views, slamming doors, opening others, figuring out 3 years or 5 years or neither, Africa or India, or or or or orororororor....
i could go on and on....
I just want to drop it all.
All I want to do 24/7 is just sit and bless his heart, lift up his name, and sit and feast at the table as he washes me feet. There isn't a moment I just want to run into his arms and leave all else behind...
I don't want to be juggling all this baggage any more. I don't want to be thinking of how hurt I am-not because of what happened, but because of what happened after...I mean don't get me wrong-I'm free, I'm happy, I'm me...but everyonce in awhile, something happens. something triggers...it's like i have a scar and sometimes something happens and it's like picking the scab. it opens it all up again and you thought you were ok. but you find out that the scar is a lot deeper than you thought it was.
I want to be fully free and fully ME.
where i can walk around and have no triggers.
where I am fully healed.
I'm seeing glances of it...it's coming.
It's almost here.
I'm so excited.
I can see it.
it's "closer than it appears".
Restoration-to levels better than before!!
Freedom-more than ever!!
Joy-to the absolute fullest!!
So, I'm filled with so much excitement, joy, anticipation, freedom, hope, and love--more than ever before.
but in the midst of all this I'm cleaning out the wounds. I scream and cry as the peroxide goes in. more than anyone knows or thinks that they do. it's always that last little, left-over bits that hurt the most...
but the kiss that i get after the peroxide goes away...mmm...that's why i do this.
it's the love that falls down that washes away the stains, and helps heal these deep scars.
and that's worth it for me.
It's more than enough for me.
He's more than enough for me....
so much more.
so, that's confusing. that's why i can't write on here right now. i can only journal, blab, cry, dance, laugh, and sing it out....
"there is no love sweeter than the love You pour on me
there is no song sweeter than the song You sing to me
there is no place that I would rather be
than here at Your feet laying down everything
all to You i surrender
everything-every part of me
all to You i surrender
all of my dreams-all of me
if worship's like perfume i'll pour mine out on You
for there is none as deserving of my love like You
so take my hand and draw me into You
i want to be swept away
lost in love for You
no turning back, i've made up my mind
i'm giving all of my life this time
Your love makes it worth it"
Oh Jesus, your loves make it worth it all...